The Phone Bill
by SkywiseRyoeatsyourMOM
Summary: Arucard has to become a hooker to pay off the 17 million dollar phone bill. This was supposed to be "Integral's Day Off" but the role playing Gods didn't want that to happen >_!
1. S

The Phone Bill- By Ryo and Skywise

Disclaimer: All those who think Skywise and Ryo own anything mentioned in this fic, speak now. Good. Now kindly fuck yourselves and die. Very good ^_^ Anyone else who still thinks Ryo and Skywise own anything mentioned in this fic must now be disemboweled and nailed to the wall. ^_^

Chapter 1- S

Arucard: Master, you should have a day off.

Integral: And what would I do on my day off?

Alexander: Take me to bed.

Integral: How'd you get in here?!  Go off and screw Maxwell or something!

Incognito: *appears from nowhere and yells at Alexander* WHO'S Maxwell!??! ARE YOU SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!?

Alexander: You're the only one!

Integral: *smirks* Enrico Maxwell is the man that your Alexander is now seeing, Incognito.  He thinks he's sexier than you.

Incognito: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *stakes himself*

Alexander: ......

Arucard: Good job, Master.  You didn't even touch him and he's dead.

Integral: Oh, it was nothing.

Alexander: Well....I guess its time to shop for a new bitch. *walks out*

Ghost of Incognito: OoOoOoOoOooooo! *writes dirty things on the walls*

Seras: ? *looks at a wall* ....Ewww!

Arucard: Stop dirtying up the walls, Ghost of Incognito!

Incognito Ghost: *draws Arucard making out with a monkey*

Maxwell: *comes out from nowhere and draws Integral glasses on the monkey*

Integral: *growls* WHY YOU-!! *beats up Maxwell with kung fu*

Maxwell: ^_^ You love me!

Incognito Ghost: *tries to undress Seras*

Seras: *screams and starts trying to beat up Incognito Ghost, then realizes that her hands go through him*

Integral: *rushes off to her room and comes back wearing a Ghostbusters uniform*

Incognito Ghost: I will violate and eat you all!

Seras: You can't violate us, you have no dick.

Incognito Ghost: ;_;

Arucard: ^_^ I like the designs on your bra! o_o Err, I mean, gah...

Integral: *pulls out that gun-thingy and shoots Incognito Ghost*

Incognito Ghost: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! *shpoof* 

Seras: *dresses self quickly*

Seras: What were you saying Arucard?

Arucard: ^_^;;; N-Nothing!

Integral: You're asking for it, Arucard. *smokes a cigar*

Alexander: *is taping Seras half-naked through the window, but falls backwards on his ladder*

Alexander: Ouchie.......

Arucard: ? *goes over and looks out the window*

Alexander: *scampers away*

Arucard: *sends his puppies after Alexander*

Alexander: *suddenly walks out of the closet* ......DAMMIT. That must have been a magic door....

Doggy: *comes out of the magic door and eats Alexander*

Alexander: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! SAVE ME, JEBUS!!!!

Seras: *waves*

Alexander:  Have mercy!

Doggy: *chews on Alexander like a chew toy*

Alexander: X-x

Integral: Arucard?  Could you take the dog outside please?  I need to do some paper work...

Arucard: Yes, my Master. *puts a leash on the doggy and takes it outside*

Walter: *walks in* Integral-sama?

Integral: Yes, Walter?

Walter: There's a little matter regarding the phone bill.....

Integral: What is it?

Walter: We can't afford to pay it.....

Integral: o_o What?!

Integral: Why not?

Walter: Well....it seems someone's been dialing phone sex services....and...um...other long distance places such as Taiwan, Greece, and India.

Integral: *raises an eyebrow*

Integral: Who would make THAT many calls...

Walter: Good question. *steps in Alexander goop* Oh for crying out loud.....

Integral: *calls the janitors to come clean up Alexander*

Walter: And the phone sex calls are non-refundable.

Integral: Gah...*slaps her forehead* I knew I shouldn't have listened to my girl-friends and did the phone sex thing....

Walter: Shall I call our accountant and file for bankruptcy?

Integral: Bankruptcy?  No!  We can pay for it...*an evil grin spreads across her face* and I know just how to do it....

Integral: *walks over to the window and looks down at Arucard and Seras playing fetch with the doggy*

Integral: Arucard!  I need to see you!

Arucard: *floats up into the office with his spooky floaty powers* Yes, Master?

Walter:*plays with freaky string*

Integral: It seems that the Hellsing Institution can't afford to pay for the phone bills...

Integral: Since I refuse to file for bankruptcy, we need a quick, easy to make a lot of money.

Arucard: *listens, not sure why Integral is telling him this*

Integral: This is where you come in.  *gives Arucard a hooker outfit* Change into this.

Arucard: O_O;;;

Walter: Oh bloody hell... *gets his string all tangled*

Integral: I expect you to be ready for work by tomorrow evening.

Arucard: *stares at the skimpy leather outfit, then stares at Integral* But... But...

Walter: Do what she says. Don't make her get the out the Bitch Belt! *dum dum dum*

Arucard: This is degrading!

Integral: Would you rather wear this instead? *holds up an even skimpier hooker outfit*

Walter: Hey! That's mine!

Arucard: I refuse!  There has to be SOME other way!

Integral: Do you remember what you did at the last New Years party?

Arucard: No.  Why?

Walter: *snort*

Integral: *grins* My point exactly.

Arucard: ...I'll do it.

Integral: I thought you would see things my way. ^_^

Arucard: *grumbles and leaves*

Integral: *claps her hands together* Well, it seems we have our phone bill situation taken care of.

Walter: Very good, Integral-sama!

Integral: Thank you, Walter.

Arucard: *comes back in the skimpy outfit, looking very unhappy*

Integral: Very good, Arucard.  It fits you like a glove.

Seras: *suddenly walks out of the closet* Hey that was a magic door ^_^.......O_O

Arucard: Easy for you to say..._ its righting up on me...

Seras: M-M-M-MASTER!??!?!?!

Arucard: -_-

Arucard: Hello, female officer...

Seras: I should call _YOU_ that, Master!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!!!!

Arucard: *grumbles*

Arucard: Master, this had better not last long.....

Walter: That depends on how much you make, Sir Arucard. *hands him the bill total*

Arucard: *reads it* O_O 17,219,500 dollars and 3 cents?!

Seras: *laughing really hard* I'll make a donation! *hands Integral 3 cents*

Integral: Thank you, Officer Seras.  That just leaves 17,219,500 dollars.

Arucard: How am I going to make THAT much money?!

Integral: Well, you have to be really limber.

Arucard: ...._

Integral: *with magickal important person swiftness gets an ad put in the newspaper*

Seras: I think I can be of some help. *gives Arucard a chart of a bunch of advanced sex positions*

Seras: Personally, I like that one. *points to a freakish one*

Arucard: o_o *nosebleed*

Arucard: Where did you get this?

Seras: Get it? I created it!

Arucard: The....detail...is....detailed.

Seras: Nicely put, Master. ^_^

Integral: You study that sheet, Arucard, while we wait for your first customer.

Arucard: *pouts and examines the sheet* …..Female officer…Is that an arm or a leg?

Seras: …..That's the man's head…

Arucard: ….I guess I have some stretching to do….

End Chapter 1!


	2. E

Chapter Two- E

*phone rings*

Integral: *answers the phone* Hello?

????: *man's voice* Hello? Er..*clears throat*....*woman's voice* Hello? I'm calling about the ad?

Integral: Oh yes.*puts her hand over the talky part of the phone* Arucard, your first customer! *starts talking to ????*

Integral: *bit of the convo* Turn left at the stoplight, not right. That's a common mistake. Got it?  Good.

????: So 8 o clock then?

Integral: That's when he's the rowdiest. ^_^

????: GREAT! *click*

Integral: *hangs up, with a smile on her face*

Arucard: *pouts*

**8 o clock**

????: *pulls into the driveway*

Integral: *looks out the window* Ah!  There she is!  Go out and meet her Arucard!

Arucard: *grumbles and goes outside*

????: Are you Arucard???? You can call me Moomoo

Arucard: Yes, I am Arucard.  Hi there, er, Moomoo.

Moomooo: *realizes one of "her" boobs is down by her stomach* Whoopsie! ^_^ *fixes it*

Arucard: ....

Arucard: C'mon...lets get inside and get this over with...

Moomoo: *walks like she has something stuck up her ass*

Arucard: *raises an eyebrow*

*in the room*

Moomoo: Do you want to see my new tattoo?

Arucard: ...Sure.

Moomoo: *moons Arucard, exposing her tattoo of a hippo kissing a 70's happy face*

Arucard: *twitches* That's very cool.

Arucard: *sighs* I'm going to regret this....*pounces Moomoo*

Moomoo: Oh Arucard! *smooch*

Moomoo: *belches in his mouth* Oopsies! Sorry sweetie!

Arucard: *shudders*

Arucard: *accidentally pops one of Moomoo's "boobs" with his nails*

Moomoo: Oh shit!

Arucard: ...*eyes narrow and he rips off Moomoo's shirt*

Moomoo: ACK!

Arucard: You have a man chest!

Moomoo: *slaps Arucard* OF ALL THE NERVE!

Arucard: Hey! *rubs his cheek*

Moomoo: That's it. I'm leaving! *throws some money at Arucard, and slips on "her" own dress and reveals "her" masculinity*

Arucard: *twitches*

Moomoo: *runs out of the building, half-naked*

Integral: *comes down, watching Moomoo rush off* How much money did you get?

Arucard: *picks up the money and counts it* ....3 dollars.

Seras: WHAT!? My chart isn't worth a mere 3 dollars!!!!

Integral: ...Well, $17,219,497...

Arucard: -_-

Integral: I hope you don't scare away the next customer.

End Chapter 2!


	3. X

Chapter 3- X

Integral: *goes upstairs to take the next call*

????#2: AYEEEEEE!!!!!!! DON'T MAKE ME GET THE HOSE!!!!

????#2: Sorry. My slave was out of his cage.

Integral: ....That's okay. So, have you called about the ad?

????#2: Oh, yes of course! *scratching sounds* When is the best time do you think?

Integral: Hmm...*looks at her pocket-watch* How about you come by about by half past the hour?

????#2: WOO-HOO! Erm...I mean great!

Integral: See you then! *click*

????#2: *Pulls in the driveway* Hi everyone!!

Integral: *waves* Arucard is inside the dungeon. ^_^

????#2: *walks to the dungeon* Are you the sexy bitch Arucard I keep hearing about? *makes rustling noises when she walks*

Arucard: *nods weakly*

????#2: I'm Patty! Nice to meet you! *rustling noises as she waves*

Arucard: Hi Patty.  May I ask what the rustling noise is?

Patty:*shrug* Your guess is as good as mine.

Integral: ^.^ I'll leave you two alone!*closes the door*

Arucard: Do you want to get this over with?

Patty: *chains Arucard to the wall* Alright buddy. Here's the deal. You watch videos of me and my slave and you get paid. Got it?

Arucard: *nods, thinking "Hey, it seems easy enough"*

Patty: *takes tapes out from inside her pants, and hooks them up to a projector she disguised as a purse*

Patty: Hmmm...I think you need to see the "Illegal in 48 states, and Mars" video. *hooks it up and plays it*

Video: OHH!!! OHH!! AHHH! AHHH!!! *squish* AHHHH!!!! *explode* OHHHHH!!!! *chainsaw* YESS!! YESSS!!!!

Arucard: *twitches while watching it, but not saying anything*

Video: AHHHHH!!!! *sound of severing limb* NOW GET BACK IN THE CAGE!

Patty: ^_^ *sigh* The good times. That slave died though. Sad tragic story, would you like to hear it?

Arucard: *forces himself to nod*

Patty: Well, it was all back in the day when you could still do half of the stuff in that video.....*56 mins later*.......And it turned out the soybeans were orange! So that's how he died.

Arucard: I'm sorry to hear that.

Patty: *gets in Arucard's face* WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO SANTA CLAUS!?

Arucard: o_o;; I didn't say that!  I believe in Santa Claus!!

Patty: WAAAAAAA!! OH WOE IS ME!! WHY,  WHY, WH-*a brick falls from the ceiling, and KO's Patty*

Arucard: *sighs with relief*

Seras: *knocks on the door* GOD. It's been 4 hours are you guys DONE yet?!

Arucard: *has slipped out of his chains and is stealing the money from Patty's pocket* Yes, we're done.

Seras: *bazooka's the door open* How much did you get!? ^_______^

Arucard: *counts it*

Arucard: $1,000.

Seras: Now THAT'S more like it!

Arucard: *puts Patty outside somewhere in the woods*

End Chapter 3!


	4. Y

Chapter 4- Y

Integral: *takes the next call*

????#3: Ya gonna DIIIIIEEEEE

Integral: *sweatdrops* Um... 

????#3: And don't marry that fat man! He only wants you for your money!

Integral: I'll be sure to remember that...

????#3: An' dis ad in da paper! Eet looks good!

Integral: Yes. ^_^ What time would you like to come over?

????#3: *walks out of the closet* I'm here!

Integral: *jumps* Oh!  Hello there. *hangs up the phone*

????#3: Allow me to introduce meself! I'm Miss Cleo!

Integral: *nods* I'm Integral Wingates Hellsing.  Arucard is in the dungeon.

Miss Cleo: Ohhhh noooo. I don't do dat dungeon stuff.......Unless it's at no extra charge...?

Integral: Of course not. ^_^

Miss Cleo: Yeah, girl! *runs to the dungeon*

Arucard: *looks up when Miss Cleo comes in and shudders*

Miss Cleo: !!!! How come I didn't foresee dis! You're dat fat man Integral can't marry!

Arucard: What?!  *looks at his slender, bony self* I am not fat!

Miss Cleo: *twitch* *slips into her freaky voodoo psychic personality*

Miss Cleo: YA GONNA DIIIEEEEE

Arucard:  .....*kills Miss Cleo and takes her money*

Arucard: This isn't half bad...I haven't had to screw anybody yet...

End Chapter 4!


	5. 

Chapter 5- -  
  
Integral: *takes the next call*  
  
????#4: Fuckity bitch fuckity BITCH!!  
  
Integral: um...  
  
????#4: No, you idiot! OFF! DOWN! Ok. Hello?  
  
Integral: Hello. I take it you're calling about the ad in the newspaper, am I correct?  
  
????#4: Oh yeah! When's your next opening?  
  
Integral: Right now! ^_^  
  
????#4: Awesome! I'll be right over.  
  
Integral: See you then. *hangs up*  
  
????#4: *pulls into the driveway*  
  
????#4: *gets out and flips back her long blond hair*  
  
Arucard: *meets her there*  
  
????#4: Hey there. I'm Charity. Nice to meet you ^_^  
  
Arucard: Hello, Charity. I'm Arucard.  
  
Charity: How much do you cost?  
  
Arucard: Depends. I range from $1,000 to $5,000.  
  
Arucard: *has a tiny little annoyance/anger mark on his forehead*  
  
Charity: Hmmm. You look good enough, so here's $5,001. *jumps in his arms* lead me away!  
  
Arucard: *goes back down to the dungeon*  
  
**Insert scene of hot wild sex**  
  
Charity: AGAIN!  
  
Arucard: *pants* But*pant* I'm*pant* exhausted!  
  
Charity: I SAID AGAIN BITCH!!!!  
  
Arucard: o_o Okay  
  
**Scene of hot wild sex**  
  
Charity: AGAIN!!!  
  
Arucard: Hold on...let me catch my breath...  
  
**Scene of hot wild....somewhat forced sex**  
  
Charity: AGAIN!!!  
  
Arucard: @_@  
  
Charity: Damn...I think he's dead.....  
  
Arucard: *twitches slightly*  
  
Charity: Hmmmm *rubs chin*  
  
**Insert scene of hot wild sex**  
  
Charity: Ok. I'm finished.  
  
Charity: *walks out*  
  
Charity: *to Integral* He could use some more stamina. He's not all that active....  
  
Integral: It's been a long night for him. He'll probably be better by tomorrow night.  
  
Seras: So, Master...Did you follow my chart? ^_^  
  
Arucard: *doesn't hear Seras because he's unconscious*  
  
Integral: I think he's had enough for one night...  
  
Seras: I never said that chart was easy.  
  
Integral: He'll get used to it.  
  
Arucard: @_@  
  
Seras: *pokey*  
  
Arucard: *twitches*  
  
Seras: *tsk tsk tsk* *goes to her room to sleep*  
  
End chapter 5 


	6. Beast

Chapter 6- Beast

**Sometime later!**

Walter: We're almost paid off!

Integral: ^_^ I know!  And it's all thanks to Arucard.

Seras: Our hero! *glomps him*

Arucard: I'm just glad it's almost over...

**phone rings**

Integral: ^_^ *answers the phone* Hello?

Alexander: Eh....Hello?

Alexander: I'm calling in response to the ad...

Integral: *twitch* Um...sure.

Alexander: When's the next opening?

Integral: Uh...about an hour.

Alexander: Great. I'll see you then. *click*

Integral: ^_^;;

Seras: Any detectable flaws in the voice? If not, that might mean she's got hair in unusual places or some other creepy flaw like the last 26 girls....

Walter: So? We've got razors.

Seras: Not the point.....

Arucard: ...It sounded kind of like...nah, it couldn't be...

**Uh, later on?**

**a car pulls into the driveway playing gospel music**

Alexander: *gets out and knocks on the door*

Integral: *answers the door*

Alexander: *waves sheepishly*

Integral: ^_^;; Hello.

Arucard: O_O OH GOD!

Alexander: MY SEXY MAN! *latches onto Arucard*

Arucard: _

Integral: Be nice, Arucard!  Just this once!

Alexander: ^_____^

Arucard: Of all the degrading things..._ *smooches Alexander*

Alexander: I knew you felt the same!

Seras: *stands in the corner and stifles her laughter*

Arucard: *continues to make out with Alexander forcing himself not to throw up*

Incognito: *storms in* I KNEW IT!!!!!

Integral: Hey!  I thought I killed you!

Incognito: I threatened to violate Satan. Upon hearing this, he let me go. ^_^

Integral: I see...

Incognito: ARUCARD! I'll pay you to take Alexander to the dungeon where I can teach him a lesson!

Arucard: How much?

Incognito: *literally coughs up a medium sized diamond* HERE!

Integral: O_O *takes it*

Arucard: *drags Alexander down to the dungeon*

Incognito: *coughs up a whip and follows Arucard*

Alexander: NOOOOOO!!! You don't know what he does to me!!!

Arucard: No, I don't.  And I frankly don't care.

Alexander: No...NO!! NOT THE WHIP!!!

Incognito: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *shuts the dungeon door*

Seras: *peeks in*

Seras: O.O *turns white* Don't look in..........

Integral: ? *looks in, then turns around immediately.  She acts like she's seen nothing at all* ....*walks upstairs into her office, then screams*

Walter: *looks in* Eh....been there, done that.

Seras: !!!! *runs away to be sick*

Integral: *pretends to look through some papers*

Seras: *watches Tellitubbies to take her mind off of it*

Po: Eh oh Lala!

Tinkie Winkie: Eeehhh oohhhhh

Seras: OH GOD! THAT CLOUD LOOKS LIKE ALEXANDER! *runs away*

**In TV land**

Cloud Alexander: *to Cloud Arucard* Fuck me!

Cloud Arucard: _ *floats away*

Cloud Incognito: *chases cloud Alexander with a whip*

Cloud Integral: *smokes a cigar*

Cloud Seras: *goes psycho vampy on the Tellitubbies*

**Back in real life**

Pokey the Penguin: _I AM IN GREAT BRITAIN!!!_

Little Girl: _YES_

Integral: *glances at the penguins*

Integral: Um...

Pokey the Penguin: _HELLO MY NAME IS POKEY THE PENGUIN AND I LOVE MAKING NEW FRIENDS_

Arucard: Awww! ^_^ *hugs Pokey* you're so cute!!

POP: _TRULY!_

Seras: ....Poor Master.....He's damaged....

Integral: I think the hooker thing has made him crazy...

Integral: ....er.

Seras: *taps Arucard on the shoulder*

Arucard: *turns around* ?

Seras: *hands him a wine bottle with blood in it*

Arucard: *grabs it and starts drinking it*

Pokey the Penguin: _OH NO A VAMPIRE!!_

Pokey the Penguin: *takes out a stake out of nowhere*

Seras:*gasp*

Little Girl _HOORAY_

Arucard: *seems to have gotten back to himself and he kills Pokey and the Little Girl*

Seras: YAY! Master is back!

Walter: *stumbles in* INTEGRAL-SAMA!

Arucard: I can't believe I did all of that...it was...so disgusting...and that one human forced me...

Integral: *looks at Walter* Yes?

Walter: Have you paid that phone bill yet!?

Integral: I was about to do that.

Walter: Don't do it!!! The mail man made a mistake!! It was supposed to be sent to the "Knights of Herring" institution!!

Integral: ......

Arucard: .......

Seras: .......

Walter: Who wants to kick him first?

Integral: I do!

Arucard: I go after my Master!

Seras: And me after mine!

Walter: Aim low. I hear he's got bad knees!

*they frolic off the kill the mail man*

THE END 


End file.
